No direction

I honestly don't know why but I just felt like blogging about what's on my mind right now. I don't quite have anyone to talk to as of now so I (yes, pathetically) have to turn to this space to pour out my thoughts...

I'm a mess! For the past week, life has thrown a bunch of sh-- "stuff" my way. My swearing curve has also shot up in just these two days. I'm swearing in Malay a lot lately... Which means something is seriously bothering me; if I have to resort to the harsh sounding language of Malay to swear.

I pretend that I dont know why, but I know very well why I'm starting to avoid human interactions again... I have to say though~ the person that I've been telling things to, the person I thought would have been the most awesome friend ever, has well... Nevermind. I'd rather not think about that person right now.

I feel like a mess because things have turned topsy turvy again. Perhaps it's one of those rude awakenings? Do you think maybe I don't have anyone who can truly fall for me, is because God wanted to save me the heartache of making that person suffer for me later on?

Above anything else, the worst heartache I could feel is that of someone I care for. If that person suffers, I'd have suffer with them along with the guilt of having made them worry :( You could imagine how hard it would be if I had the greatest guy be a part of my life and then I had to say goodbye to him way too soon.

So yes, if that was the case. Please God, don't ever find me love... They say love can be found at the worst of times. I say, I'd rather not have anyone by my side during such times. I think the drawback of having too much emotions is your own emotion can be the death of you. Especially if it consumes you for days on end and the memories of it would still linger on for quite a bit.

A good friend of mine told me. I should love myself and find what I truly want in this lifetime... I'm thinking he's right about that. Ever since my break up, I've done things... Agreed to things that I never should have, because look where it's gotten me now? I'm left to think, although it wasn't regrettable, it was so short lived. I feel somewhat cheated~

Then what happens? I feel like a lost puppy cause I have no clue what has happened. And the cherry on top of it is another sh-- bad thing happened. I open up to the one person that seemed to have always been there for me for the past few months and I feel rather pushed away instead :( pitiful really. And everyone else? Well I love all of you but somehow it doesn't feel right to say what I feel inside. Not just yet...

But what takes the big FAT cake is that, I feel so fake and I hate being fake. That's why I show my ugliness or I openly bitch about something, because I know later on I'd have just said what I need to say to let off steam. But right now, it seems like I'm faking every single thing!! I want to let go of this stupid façade. It complicates things, I know that... But i can't help it :'(

What I really need right now... Is a shoulder to cry on. I can't seem to reach out to anyone. I can't reach to that good friend of mine I mentioned earlier who gave me a bit of an advice... cause he's got a girl and that would be stupid of me to wanna be consoled by him. Unnecessary problems would arise. What's more is the other person who seems to be so out of touch right now makes me wish I hadn't open up in the first place~

Was I wrong to do so? But it seemed like that that person was open and deserving though :/ *sigh* makes me wonder~ am I more family oriented of friend oriented or am I I'm general just relationship oriented? :/

Okies... Have a great day everyone :) I'll be okay actually. Now that I've let this out a little~ sometimes it's better to say things out cause then you'd be able to look at it again and dissect every thing you've said into a more non-emotional fashion. Lalalalaa~ Ima be cheerful again by next week! I just know it :3