Good morning, I haven't blogged in a while... This morning feels slow. I feel like I can share a lot of things when I'm in this sort of condition. Feeling slightly unhinged but most of all I'm-- dare I say it? Quite "emo".
Well I won't say I'm feeling emo per se, more like... I'm a little out of tune with my emotions and with the things around me. Like I can't make heads or tails of anything; as if I'm at sixes and sevens with my feelings. So I try to make it up by being very decisive about everything else, which kinda resulted in me acting somewhat "rushed" and bossy at times. Although! It has helped my shopping skills tremendously... Eheh. I've shopped more efficiently this past month-- not that that's a good thing either. -_-);
So like, I know I'm completely over my ex. Even if I truly did love him, I never want to see his face again. EVER. Because I once heard someone say "two people that broke up can never be friends again, if they are; theyre probably still in love or they never were to begin with." for me I know it's definitely the former because I was a total mess after the break up. I went a little crazy for about a week or so... It completely changed me...
Which brings me to the point of it all... I haven't been able to feel things "freely" for a certain someone~ I think I recently developed feelings for him but ehhh~ it's not working! It makes me sad, that I can't feel how I used to feel whenever I like a guy. I think I'm damaged or something~ or perhaps I've become scared of wanting to have such feelings for anyone. So I seem to always want to suppress it. But really, I think I like this one guy. But like I'm doing it in secret cause I don't think I'm ready to admit to him or well myself even. Hahahahaha... Hmmm~ I never used to be like this. Cheh~ I don't even like flirting anymore. Wtf.
And Ive had a couple of guys wanting to get to know me... But I totally didn't like them nor did I like their attention... I used to just layman and see if maybe I'd give them a chance but ani macam I turn them down flat. Like... Boo. So I have this newly developed mechanism where I escape to the deluded world~ lol. I just push away thought of real (attainable) guys and begin to just gawk at cute Korean guys, especially jay park and lee min ho. The cute actor. Lol~ it's really pathetic.
I like someone and I'm happy to like him in secret. If I could just be there for him like how I always am with the guys I like then I'd be happy... That is if I could actually do such a thing. If I can just come to care for him completely, like all the butterflies, heart thumping and the suppress squeals and the feeling of wanting to protect and care for him. Once that happens, I'll let him go and can finally feel that im not dead inside. Funny thing, I wasn't aware I was falling till something totally obvious happened~ lol. Gosh I'm so out of the whole liking process thingies.
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