I will do neither...

I cried so much watching this video... I love how wong fu productions capture moments of life like this :'(



I do feel like the girl... and (IMO) I love how that bulb-changing symbolises her hope.

The guy didn't try hard enough, not even for her sake. So what's love to these type of guys?


Why so selfish? *sigh*

New news

Sarcastically I want to say, DAMN, I love how you have repeatedly proven me wrong every time I put even an OUNCE of trust in what you say to me. *sigh* I thought you were a good man, but now... Now I have no respect at all for just how much your word is worth. Manipulative as you are, I'm a better liar and I have better womanly instincts so even if my heart says I still love you, my head just tells me to keep in digging for I should not let take people's word at face value because they have in fact lied to me when I blindly trust them :)

So I found out that okay, it's time for me to move on, like REALLY move on because just a few hours before this, I was still hoping for a future with you :'( deep down, I don't know what I want, my heart isn't stable enough to know whats good for me. If he wants me he will have to try hard.

Jokingly... I've said that if I end being damaged from this ordeal; like I'd never trust a man or end up not marrying anyone then, you will feel my wrath. Not sure that will follow through, but fuxk it la, let's just believe that I will, in the heat of the moment of my fury :) I am hurt beyond words and ashamed beyond reason and embarrassed beyond and means of redemption. I loved you so much that I started to love your mom already. You are short-sighted. I can totally say that; it's a euphemism of something I'd like to say but dont actually have the heart to say, out of love for ur mom and respect for your whole family.

I really hope you and your new lady friend will have the time of your lives :) I'm done feeling angry, I know my heart will automatically constrict or feel heavy whenever I see your face or hers. But don't mistake it for my weakness; my tears or my pain aren't a sign that Ive lost in the battle of wills-- it simply means I was humane and sincere enough to feel what I felt and that you should feel very much honored to have me love you.

And you know what? From this I can tell who my real friends are, your mom has been telling me that there will be a Hikmah in all this, maybe just one or two, maybe even a few, but I feel like one of them is knowing that I do have people who care about me and who love me to know that I'm SO WORTH IT, despite the distance or the short period of time they have known me.

My two cents.

Just something I'd like to say;

Everyone knows how much I've been hurting and how much tears I have cried. As my family or friend, I know you might start disliking Faizul for what he's done to have cause me that much pain... I know that it's really up to you how you should respond to all this. He has hurt me, yes. He lingered a while before telling me that he is starting to feel unsure of us; that's true too. He even began making me worry a lot when he went on days without calling me, yes this past two months has been hell for me. A few of you would notice and maybe most didn't, because I'm good at hiding things. Because you see, as his girlfriend (at that time) or as his partner, it's my duty to fight for his honor and integrity- it's because I love him. I wouldn't want people to think bad things about him.

I know that love is always about making that girl feel safe and happy. He does do that, it's when he's around. If he's in Brunei, he makes me feel like the top of the world. If you know him, he's not the type that goes by the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder", certainly not the whole "jauh dimata dekat dihati" he's more of the type that's like; if you're there in front of him he's all up in your face x) but if you aren't then you quietly fade.

Im not excusing for what he's done, I'm definitely not appeased with his mistake towards me; I simply want to say that he isnt all bad. He didn't DO anything like flirt with a girl or held her hands or even made out with her. He simply kept going out with GIRLSSS... Pisses me off he doesn't listen to me, but it's too late now. We've broken up already. But he was honest enough to tell me and had enough of a conscience to constantly feel guilty about how he's treating me.

I... Well most of all, aku kecewa dgnnya.

Im still trying to lick my wounds... I still cry every single night until I get too weak then eventually fall asleep. I want to heal... And accept everything. That he and I are just not quite there yet. I was too prideful of my boyfriend, of my great love and of how serious everything was that maybe I am being tried for it.

Broken hearted.

"No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."

I will do something stupid.

Hi, I'm single... Once more!

He broke my heart, I cried for the longest time and I'm suffering from a splitting headache because of it. My eyes are swollen and hurting. I want to die. He just got me so angry and so ashamed and so hurt. After all I did... After all he's done :( after what we've been through... Oh fuck, crying again... I don't see why I cant hate him. He's hurt me so much... So so much.

You broke my dreams, I believed in you. Now we're through. You can just kill me now for all I care.

Aku malu. Malu to face your family & especially your mom; she was so kind and she believed that you loved me too...... :( I wish I never loved you as much as I did and put all my heart and effort to you so much. I was willing to do anything for you... :'( how could you?

You will regret letting me go, I'm awesome. You just ran out of luck when you failed to remember that.

That I am~

I was trying to be artsy? lol. fail x)

Scrapbook

So, for the second part of his gift, I made him a scrapbook. I thought of doing this after much thought and contemplation and I asked a buttload of people on giving me and useful suggestions~ FINALLY~ after three days. Yes, thought of making a scrapbook :D hehehe... something I can put my ♥ into...


Making everything took 3 days, over $50, several paper cuts and a couple of worrying thoughts where I wasn't sure what to do and whether he'd like it. I had to like get assurance from my friends saying that, as my boyfriend, he would love anything I made him x) lol and yes, it was true~ he adored it. He loves it and I became so happy~ heheheheheheheheehehe~



Tried to make the drawings more "3D" lol. yeah, bali cardboard apa and cutter... can you believe that I ACTUALLY USED A CUTTER??

I actually faced my morbid fear of cutters. I had a bad experience with it when I was in form 2. I cut someone's hand and I'm not exaggerating when I said I bled her almost to death. =( An ambulance was needed okay? I was so scared... and traumatized. whenever I look at a cutter... I would cringe and look away and get the heebie jeebies!!! D: BUT, as that was required for this little cutting task. I braved it. SHIT so awesome. that's how much love I have~ hahaha!!



:3 hee~


birthday/love message from le girlfriend :p

Made him a poem X) kehkehkeh



Yeah, I'm so romantic it's amazingly surreal! LOL! who says only CHICKS needs to be romanced? I totally think that guys deserve the same treatment once in a while, especially if yu really love the dude :D I am awesome. Don't disagree or be hatin'~ I know I am! XD

The ends of 2010 in Pictures :)

Here are a few pictures of things that I wanted to blog about, but didn't have the time to back in 2010. Just because I was a bit of a sloth back then :p hehehe... now I'll just briefly caption these pictures for your convenience x)

There came a time, when me and Nabs first ventured into Times Square in Gadong. Lol. our first time at coffee bean (we're total addicts now) this was way before we became TS-regulars. We go here like... AT LEAST once a week :O


resting after a day of shopping~ LOL she's bad for me! She's waay too good at being my shopping buddy x) lol we're bad for each other actually! :P

This was when we went up to the TS hotel illegally~ hahahaha~ cause we were so stuck up to pee in the shopping place's toilet. jk jk :p (but so true~)

yeah just some of the stuff I bought on that first day there saja niii~

A bag I bought, for school ;) Bought it the next week with Faiqah :3















Then there was that time, I was busy crazy going to school all the time...

that I even went to UBD at night for a frickin SINGING COMPETITION. like whuuut? anis does those things? lol~

Faie, Fiqah and her lil cousin.... Fatin (if I'm right)














Then I got a little crazy with photography apps on iPhone :)

I love my family at their buruk-est moments, early in the morning in our PJs. hehehe... Aidan was still less than a month old when this was taken.














There was that period in time where I obsessively played sims3 on the desktop.

I made a shitload of houses. But this one was the one I put most of my head into...

kinda wish I had a house like this

Beautiful exterior~ loving the landscape... HMMM~

e

Yeah I got crazy...

LOL I suck at making sims :p














Then there was that time, when I turned 20! lol. Nothing big :p



just one of those annoying times, when your phone/facebook keeps making a *TING!* sound. Believe me, that was just the beginning of it. There were up to 200 notifications in a day. It was... tiring. =( especially since I'm COURTEOUS ENOUGH TO SAY THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO GREETED ME, unlike some people *cough*


It was filled with food

fun and games

singing and dancing~

but mostly a lot of craziness... especially from this person.

I will so miss you big boobies, for the day when I slim down and flatten you to an oblivion.
















Aaaaand then, a stray found itself wandering into our compound one day...



I totally loved it, because it was kind of cute... hehehe

Either that, or I've just been deprived of cats!

But it honestly was quite adorable :3

I bonded with it... & actually named it 'Caramel'

Then it kind of made me sad when my parents told me to shoo it away...didn't have the heart to do it. So I asked my sister to do so :'(





Okay yeah, there you have it... :) A much happier post. Free of angry-- or rather, frustrated words/emotions ;D I'm still worried about something, but hmmm... distracting myself. Besides, I finished two essays by 3pm earlier today. Awesome feeling!


Slightly euphoric, but I exaggerate :p

KNEE-DEEP in SHIEET! ;D

Excuse me for having one or two posts below that is of me constantly swearing at a certain someone. She's been a bit of a... Pig. Id rather not say bitch these days. So aku Panggil ia the other haram thing in life la. Pasal ia cambaie~? Anyways we are not here to further elaborate on that.

For one thing; my week -- this week, has thus far been a hectic one. I'd love to unload on someone~ especially if it were my boyfriend but it seems like most if not all the people I know are busy and facing a crunch or are just in one of their foul mood or spells. *shrug* and so~ you have now found me hereeee in this nice little place I'd like to call my most faithful companion, called my blog. Pathetically, I'm growing really fond of this blog. It listens well *le duh~* lol! I think I should give it a name soon :p

So on Wednesday, I went out with Nabs, it was sort of my cry for help & I had fun with her~ well it cheered me up for quite a bit :) then it sucked again. Sucked the breath of life out of me, this week, I don't know why! Hheheheh maybe it was like my head playing games with me, but I vaguely remember that I actually entertained the thought of drowning myself in the pool downstairs. Hah! Downside of having a pool at home, it's a very convenient murder weapon to the likes of someone like me-- I can't swim you see :3

Anyways, just yesterday I was told to meet the AR of one of the faculties. I'm in trouble! Embarrassing as it is for me to resort to my blog to talk about this, but yeah~ what to do? I'm a terribly lonely-yet-not-quite-alone girl :') I mixed up my registration form, I'm knee deep in shit.. I don't want to bring this to my parents because its needless to worry them about something that happened from my mistake and my mistake alone. It's useless to blame it on anyone, I understand that I'm a whiny shit for still complaining eventhough I knew it's my own fault but omg OMG!! I can seriously ruin my GPA. :'( I cried myself to sleep like, twice. Can't get much work done.. Because it robs my concentration for most of the time. Dear lorrrrddd~ I have to sort this out somehow. This is so giving me a kickass lesson about how I should read instructions carefully and to be more careful with documents.

So yes, dear family friends and boyfriend... I wish I could talk to all of you about this. Part of me is kind of sad that I couldn't reach any of u, but then part of me loves using that as an excuse! Thaaaanks very much for reading this dear blogders. *heavy sigh* I think I'll go try and do my essay again...



Tofeelaloneinacrowdedroomistheloneliestfeeling.

hearts as dots!

I kinda love my handwriting ;) hehehe... sometimes I find it fun to write cause everything looks so neat and pretty. Dotting my i's with ♥ makes it look even prettier! :D

Sometimes it's the little weird and insignificant things,
that makes you smile quietly to yourself...

Again, I find myself in this same fucked up mess... I should stop having the need to blog about this. BUT OMG!! You know what!? Jangaantah lagi~ you have totally pushed me to the point of where I can't even say I want you in my life anymore! :( you seriously need to reflect upon your actions. Sad thing is, I don't even know if you think you know you're being such an offensive Lil fucker... >:( I am not going to stay around you any longer! We are so through being what we used to be... Xp






p/s: If you never valued me as a friend then don't even try asking for forgiveness kalau kau terasa! Xp but if you ever felt even a speck of respect for me then by all means... You know where to find me.

Not quite there...

Once there was a young lady; neither worldly nor childish, who lived a normal life - a life that wasn't dreary but still lacked an explosive excitement. She was a pretty young thing, on the surface all that everyone could see was that she was quiet not necessarily shy, she was just unable to express herself as much as she'd love to. You see, this lady was but a girl, a girl who knew things, but were naive to certain aspects of it.

To her, the past was a regretful thing; she was unbearable, scheming, lost, angry, bratty and selfish. Her present was challenging; she knew whatever she got now was karma - life is the biggest justice system out there. And as for her future? It remains unfathomable. One thing is for sure, is that she felt like she didn't belong-- she didn't quite fit in.

So everyday, she wondered to herself: what am I doing wrong? Why do I always feel so... Alone?. She found herself amused and happy in the company of friends and family. There were also times when their existence brought her down, but she didn't take it too hard or to heart. She saw no need to lengthen something so negative... The irony is that, despite her outlook on trying to be positive in that sense, she lacked the same perspective about everything else. She was always so hard on herself. Always. Never ever did she feel like she was good enough and it slowly ate her from inside. Slowly she set out to become what she eventually became; a big fat walking contradiction.

What a girl wants...

Nawwww, what this girl wants is a guy who would go out of his way to make time for her, it doesn't have to BE everyday. But sometimes it's nice to know that you're not all that lonely, even if you're physically alone. It's not that I'm needy but I thought preferential treatment towards your special person and to expect attention from that special person is only natural?

Or maybe...

Maybe I'm just being bogus. I'm a lover of the dramatics. A sensitive soul that bruises easy.

My lips are sad. I think I've been wearing an unhappy expression lately. It's driving me nuts, I think I'll go and die on my bed nao, yes, ima just go sleep.

.

It's a fuxking shame that I have to put myself in this same situation all the fuxking time. Repeatedly over and over again. Like what? Do you find this amusing? That you keep on pushing and pushing me to my limit.. Are you trying to see me breakdown and cry? Do you want to see if I'll stick around if you give me a hard time? Do you huh? DO YOU?! Bloody pig.