blahdeeblahblah.

I think I've been keeping my emotions at bay... I gave in to grief in the beginning, I dwelled over the past and then I tried shoving the memories out of my head by doing...things and now I just feel like I'm a bad person to have moved on. 1 month was all it took for me to stop loving you. Well not really, I stopped loving you the minute I decided to get rid of everything that reminded me of you-- the overwhelming pain got me going.

I don't know if my hearts still broken or healing, I'm not sure what I'm feeling... I thought I had fallen for someone, but yeah, it's really a crap thing going on. That relationship is totally platonic and I stupidly confused it as actual feelings. *shrugs* I don't know, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm thankful it happened, at least...

Well, at least it helped me cope. I've decided to focus on myself :) No more guys, I'm going through a better place. I feel more like myself than I have in the past 3 years. Now I know why he's always said that I was different from when he first met me. I kind of lost myself, my identity when I was with you.

It used to hurt whenever I breathed;

every waking moment this fragile heart really ached.

I'll need consolation, my pride took a beating. I blame myself for dreaming....

But is it really so wrong to dream?

Is dreaming not worth it? It's not worth the pain.... or is it? *sigh*

I think the break up made me realized that I need to be single and see the world again. I really want to test my 5 senses.... I have not felt so free for a very long time.

But it seems like lately, I'm sitting on fences, not knowing what to do, to act upon my actions or not. I'm putting up walls to shield myself from everyone. Most of all, I think I want to keep my distance, from you, him and everyone of them.

Alone.

Let's be alone for now.

Despite that, I cannot wait for God to give me my future husband soon. I hope he won't let me down. *sigh*

Wonder Woman

I want to be Wonder Woman! hehehehe. No no, not the loose sense of the word; I actually want to be like Wonder Woman. A true heroine; admired, strong and willful. Plus, in this picture she looks pretty hot. HAHAHA.

On a serious note; I want to be independent and dependable :) I should start being more focused with life.

♪ Ima be, Ima be rocking it~ ♪ lol

What does it matter?

Oh, what does it matter who hurt who first? I know in the beginning, everything seems like it's going to end, and all you can think about is ruining the other person so bad. So bad that he'd have to pay you a thousand times over.

But you know, slowly you'll come to understand that... life moves on. Acceptance just comes naturally if you've gotten over the pain and then you'll stop acting like a prissy bitch :) Nothing good ever comes out of negativity or keeping a grudge so intense that it blackens your heart.

I'd like to live without a black heart, thankyouverymuch! :)

So yeah, I would have to thank Muiz a whole lot for everything he's said to me and all those times he got me through my crazy ideas and for listening and giving an awesome shoulder to cry on x)

And Nabs for always distracting me with stories of her newly found love :) I seriously love hearing stories about people's love stories despite the popular belief that I'd have turn bitter towards other people's happiness. It gives me hope :D Though I might have a slight sad look on my face at times, deep down it helps me in a way! :D

Also I'd like to thank Liana for always being the one to layan my craziest thoughts and my endless barrage of emotions and random chattering and complaining and crying... lol. You have been quite the supportive one, very flexible xD

The first of more to come.

My first night out as a single lady. lol.

Me and Nabs, having ourselves a girls night out.

We actually planned a wild night out, it kind of failed a little. HEEHEE.

Oh well~ we'll have more nights like this one to come! :D

1st of 2011

YOWZAAA~!!

the first video blog for this year :D kekekeke... I haven't done vlogs in a while. I missed it. Well the video of my room doesn't count since *cough* I didn't say anything :p

GOOD MORNING!

Hewhewhew... goodmorning! Yes, today will be a good morning. I'm blogging again cause I'm feeling new emotions~ lalalalalalalaaa~

It's exciting. The EXCITEMENT! Though it's been drab a little by the fact that I have an assignment due today at 4pm but has-- NEEDS to be done by 1pm. I can make it right? :O oooh the pressure is like an adrenaline rush! *screams*

Oh speaking of screaming, my voice was so hoarse last night thanks to Nabila~~ lol Nabs and I were having a crazy laugh-and-scream-a-lot day yesterday! :D Fun fun~ We shared a shitload of things yesterday~ it was liberating :)

Some guy hit on me yesterday while I was sitting alone waiting for class, flattering as that is, it did a total 180 when he thought I was chinese. I mean I have nothing against chinese, I just don't like being assumed other than what I really am.

Don't mistaken me for anything just yet, please get to know the kind of person that I am first before you put a frickin label on me kays?

:) relatively better now.

So uhmmm... I'm getting way in over my head here; but I think I'm starting to crush on someone. Is it too soon? It's too soon isn't it?? OMG, I'm just as bad as he is... *sigh*

Well you know, the upside to this is that I've stopped caring on how much hurt my ex has caused me. It's like... I'm not bitter anymore about the fact that I've invested and incorporated so much into our relationship, I've gotten over him (I'd like to think so) you know the person that he is, well the person he WAS, the guy that I came to love and fall for... I've been forgetting more and more each day but like, I still have not completely gotten over the betrayal. My uhmmm... ex's mom, yeah I still keep in touch with her, I think if I mention her anywhere in my blog, I'll just refer to her as Aunty :)

Aunty and I were catching up the other day -- I've been missing a great deal, been real busy with people, work and getting better-- anyways, she was asking how I was and we made small talk and I don't quite know why but I chose to impart to her the fact that I'm moving on... I didn't want her to worry so much. She's been a total sweetheart to me and she really wanted me to get over the ache inside. So I guess I told her the names of the guys I've been talking to; one in particular that I favor mentioning was..... uhmmm let's just call him peanutbutter :p

I guess it's noticeable that I like him most compared to the rest I've been actively getting to know. BUT, I digress... I simply just want everyone to know that I've gotten better.

A chuckful of thanks to all the great people for all your support and wisdom. Keeping me from doing stupid things, telling me to think of my actions and its inevitable consequences. I'm glad that I listened to you all, doing those things would only be and I quote one of my friend's words "a temporary fix" eheh heh... Hmmm... gets you thinking.

Don't worry okay? I won't like him, it's not going to happen. I don't think I want it to happen, as much as I am thinking about him constantly, like it just happened two days ago... (yeah, I'm totally crushing) I KNOW BETTER. Let's not do that yet... *shakes head furiously* no no no. NO.

I just hope one day I'll find what my sister has :) Actually what both my sisters have :') A love that seems to be everlasting and totally sempurna *sigh*

I just realised that in love, there is no room for selfishness, I don't know why I compromised my old belief at the expense of his behavior. Se-selfish mana pun orang ani kan, if they love someone, they'd make an exception.

I'm just thankful of how things work, that God has given me a nicely packaged distraction for now, until I find my True Jodoh. In the meantime I am healing :3

A virtual tour of my room.

The video does not do justice for my room! lol.... but yeah, I couldn't show everything cause my laptop was plugged. So... couldn't swerve as freely as I wanted ;D

I won't lose a wink of sleep

& yes,

It's great how I hadn't lost a wink of sleep :) not anymore, not over some little boy who can't deal with a good-- GREAT awesome thing. Everyone around me has helped a great deal. Knowing that not all guys are dicks has also helped; thanks to all the positive testosterones(sp?) around me lately. You dudes are awesome - I feel awful that I lose myself; the control of my emotions when I'm with them, but it helps :)

And my girls, oh my girls. My girl friends are even way awesome :D thank you for cussing him and hating him with all your heart when I'm too stupid or too naïve to even do so. But I realize that I'm better off without him; what he did was unforgivable. Glad she took a broken toy from my hands; I had stupid childish attachments to it. Lol. She did me a favour. I'll go get myself a better toy because I know I can.

Family; top notch. Love you all so very much and the lengths you'd go to protect me or protect what's left of my feelings that you were able to salvage :3 I love every one of you.

The greatest victory is knowing that everyone is on my side. Don't try to spin if off as otherwise because we all know what a terrible thing you've done. I'm now ready to close off that chapter.

I will do neither...

I cried so much watching this video... I love how wong fu productions capture moments of life like this :'(



I do feel like the girl... and (IMO) I love how that bulb-changing symbolises her hope.

The guy didn't try hard enough, not even for her sake. So what's love to these type of guys?


Why so selfish? *sigh*

New news

Sarcastically I want to say, DAMN, I love how you have repeatedly proven me wrong every time I put even an OUNCE of trust in what you say to me. *sigh* I thought you were a good man, but now... Now I have no respect at all for just how much your word is worth. Manipulative as you are, I'm a better liar and I have better womanly instincts so even if my heart says I still love you, my head just tells me to keep in digging for I should not let take people's word at face value because they have in fact lied to me when I blindly trust them :)

So I found out that okay, it's time for me to move on, like REALLY move on because just a few hours before this, I was still hoping for a future with you :'( deep down, I don't know what I want, my heart isn't stable enough to know whats good for me. If he wants me he will have to try hard.

Jokingly... I've said that if I end being damaged from this ordeal; like I'd never trust a man or end up not marrying anyone then, you will feel my wrath. Not sure that will follow through, but fuxk it la, let's just believe that I will, in the heat of the moment of my fury :) I am hurt beyond words and ashamed beyond reason and embarrassed beyond and means of redemption. I loved you so much that I started to love your mom already. You are short-sighted. I can totally say that; it's a euphemism of something I'd like to say but dont actually have the heart to say, out of love for ur mom and respect for your whole family.

I really hope you and your new lady friend will have the time of your lives :) I'm done feeling angry, I know my heart will automatically constrict or feel heavy whenever I see your face or hers. But don't mistake it for my weakness; my tears or my pain aren't a sign that Ive lost in the battle of wills-- it simply means I was humane and sincere enough to feel what I felt and that you should feel very much honored to have me love you.

And you know what? From this I can tell who my real friends are, your mom has been telling me that there will be a Hikmah in all this, maybe just one or two, maybe even a few, but I feel like one of them is knowing that I do have people who care about me and who love me to know that I'm SO WORTH IT, despite the distance or the short period of time they have known me.

My two cents.

Just something I'd like to say;

Everyone knows how much I've been hurting and how much tears I have cried. As my family or friend, I know you might start disliking Faizul for what he's done to have cause me that much pain... I know that it's really up to you how you should respond to all this. He has hurt me, yes. He lingered a while before telling me that he is starting to feel unsure of us; that's true too. He even began making me worry a lot when he went on days without calling me, yes this past two months has been hell for me. A few of you would notice and maybe most didn't, because I'm good at hiding things. Because you see, as his girlfriend (at that time) or as his partner, it's my duty to fight for his honor and integrity- it's because I love him. I wouldn't want people to think bad things about him.

I know that love is always about making that girl feel safe and happy. He does do that, it's when he's around. If he's in Brunei, he makes me feel like the top of the world. If you know him, he's not the type that goes by the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder", certainly not the whole "jauh dimata dekat dihati" he's more of the type that's like; if you're there in front of him he's all up in your face x) but if you aren't then you quietly fade.

Im not excusing for what he's done, I'm definitely not appeased with his mistake towards me; I simply want to say that he isnt all bad. He didn't DO anything like flirt with a girl or held her hands or even made out with her. He simply kept going out with GIRLSSS... Pisses me off he doesn't listen to me, but it's too late now. We've broken up already. But he was honest enough to tell me and had enough of a conscience to constantly feel guilty about how he's treating me.

I... Well most of all, aku kecewa dgnnya.

Im still trying to lick my wounds... I still cry every single night until I get too weak then eventually fall asleep. I want to heal... And accept everything. That he and I are just not quite there yet. I was too prideful of my boyfriend, of my great love and of how serious everything was that maybe I am being tried for it.

Broken hearted.

"No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."

I will do something stupid.

Hi, I'm single... Once more!

He broke my heart, I cried for the longest time and I'm suffering from a splitting headache because of it. My eyes are swollen and hurting. I want to die. He just got me so angry and so ashamed and so hurt. After all I did... After all he's done :( after what we've been through... Oh fuck, crying again... I don't see why I cant hate him. He's hurt me so much... So so much.

You broke my dreams, I believed in you. Now we're through. You can just kill me now for all I care.

Aku malu. Malu to face your family & especially your mom; she was so kind and she believed that you loved me too...... :( I wish I never loved you as much as I did and put all my heart and effort to you so much. I was willing to do anything for you... :'( how could you?

You will regret letting me go, I'm awesome. You just ran out of luck when you failed to remember that.